i suddenly came to the realization that today is the youngest that i will ever be. time is passing me by whether i choose to acknowledge it or not.
even though people think that going out & having fun on the weekends, making random friends for the night is unresponsible & ratchet. who cares? i work hard & go to school & study, too. i just don’t post pictures of myself in my classes & doing my projects. i’m working toward a career on the weekdays & playing on the weekends.
the people who see it as unresponsible only see it that way because their young days have run out. & that’s good for them if that’s what they want. i’m just not there yet. i’m not ready to be in a relationship, to think about a future with someone, & to have children. i’m still trying to figure myself out & to get to know everything & everyone around me. just because i’m not running on your time schedule doesn’t make me any less of a person than you. i don’t worry about your life so maybe you shouldn’t be so busy worrying about mine either. i’ll do me & you do you.
i met up with one of my friends from 4th grade & we had a major catch up session. i hadn’t seen her since she had graduated from grad school in NY & returned to Cali. we talked about everything, but mostly we talked about relationships. mostly about her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend that she had met studying abroad during her undergrad in italy. & also about my past failed relationships & my current single life.
i was telling her that after being in past long term relationships, there’s just so many qualities that i know i don’t want in a guy & that when i meet guys, so many of them (actually all of them) have those qualities that i know i don’t want in a boyfriend. she brought in an analogy about how finding a bf/gf is like looking for a house. you know there are all these things you know you want like a good neighborhood, granite countertops, walk in closet, nice bathroom, etc. but you end up having to make compromises on some things because you like other aspects of it. she said that’s how relationships are. you end up having to make compromises, because you’ll never find anyone that fits all your ideals & is “perfect”.
i have to say that i completely disagree. i don’t believe in lowering my standards. i believe in compromises in the relationship, sure, but if a guy has all these qualities that i hate to begin with, then why should i even try? i’m going to continue to be annoyed by these things & it’s definitely not fair for me to expect them to change those qualities about them. i’d rather have someone who is “perfect” in a sense in my eyes & then hope for the best, than settle with someone who seems “alright” & then watch it slowly fail.
i don’t think that’s unfair.
when every single weekend is the best weekend ever.
it’s so hard not to play when there’s so much fun out there. but Dec 1 - Dec 12, i HAVE to disappear & get all my work done. no more procrastination. i’m swearing off all the fun. gotta work hard.
When I was in my early twenties, if a guy acted aloof, called back only sometimes and showed minimal interest, I would get hooked. You could say I was addicted to the bad boy/ unavailable boy/ player. I was drawn to what psychotherapist, Ken Page terms as “attractions of deprivation” – when we are drawn to people who embody the worst emotional characteristics of our parents. Basically, the theory explains that we are attracted to people who can wound us the same way we were wounded in our childhood, as our psyche tries to recreate the past void and save us by changing its ending.
“The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators — or their current replacements — finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.” - Psychology Today
So games used to work on me because 1) I had unresolved daddy issues and 2) At the tender age of 20, I was trying to figure out who I was and to top it off, I was ridden with insecurity and a low sense of self-worth.
But somewhere in between the passing of a decade, something changed.
I learned to love myself. I became independent, confident, and started to value my self-worth. I went through hardships and heartbreaks and picked myself back up which built my strength and courage. Instead of relying on beauty as my source of empowerment, I focused on basing my empowerment on my intelligence, successes, values, contributions to the world and how I helped others. In a sense, I finally grew up. I went from being a girl to becoming a woman. And as a woman, you are attracted to very different things than you are as a girl.
A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. You can switch the genders in this post and most points would likely still apply. Or, read this post on “The 11 Differences Between Dating a Girl vs a Woman“.
If you are a girl (lack independence, are ruled by insecurity, lack self-respect, throw tantrums, have princess syndrome, don’t have strong values or boundaries and can’t hold yourself on your own) then expect that you will attract only boys. However, if you are a woman (independent, ambitious, knows your worth and value, has a strong moral compass, is considerate and an able communicator and doesn’t let insecurity dominate your psyche), then you should be dating a man. And if you can’t spot the difference just yet, here are some pointers.
Now, a lot of these differences require taking the time to know someone to figure out if the apple of your eye is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice from the beginning is this:
11. A boy plays games. A man doesn’t.
*To clarify, when I’m referring to “games” I mean mind games.